i can't

i can't remember when was the last time i cried this badly...
i can't remember when was the last time we are cried together as a family...
went to the hospital to visit my grandmum...
she's not doing so well...
i hate this, i hate this so much
i'm so use to seeing her so strong and independent...
now...
every breath that she takes...
i hold mind, praying to god that it won't be her last...
even on her bed, she tries to be strong...
seeing her so strong, it makes me want to kill myself...
my mom is holding back her tears...
when she got out of icu...
it all came out...
my mom is just like my grandmother...
it hurts me more whenever i hug my mum to comfort her...
the more it fees like i'm holding on tightly to my grandmother...
my mom has been crying since an hour and a half ago...
so is my sis...
i refuse to cry...
i refuse to feel sad...
i refuse to let any thoughts of my grandmum being ill get into my head...
i really can't...
the more i try to avoid it, the harder the imaage of her breathing heavily...
even as i'm typing this post...
i'm trying not to cry...
why...
if i cry...it'll only make things worst...
i am my mum's only comfort right now...
my sis is tryign hard, but she's only 13, i don't expect much from her...
there's a dead silence in my house right now...
no matter how far apart our rooms are...
i'm i press my ears against the walls...
i can hear my mom trying to cover up her cries...

its so hard for me to see my mom cry...
i've got nobody to turn to...
my mom's really trying hard to fught it...
she has broken the silence by askign us to continue to pack...
thereis no way i am going to step on to the plane right now...
i refuse to...
to hell with rome....
but if we stay...
it'll only upset my mom even more...
why now....
why...
everyone's packing...
but mentally unpacking and preparing for the worst...
the doctor says she fine...
but she isn't...
her eyes are all that i can see...
i can take it, i can't
i held her hands...
kissed her cheeks...
she's my grandmom...
the one who's brought me up...
the one who nursed me whenever i'm sick...
the one who gave my mom and me a better life...
the one that i love so much...

i can;t look at my mom right now...
she reminds me too much of my grandmom...
i can;t look in the mirror, because i am just like my mother...
so cold and strong on the outside....
but dying inside...

what i wouldn't give for a miricale...

for the past few days...
i've not been able to even feeel and ounce of excitement about the trip....
its weird because all my friends all could tell...
i've always learnt to prepare for the worse...
but this...

i can't...
i can't...
i can't.